Yes, this is my column this time around. I only needed to have a debate with the editor twice over this, the first time because it turns out some may not think this is appropriate material for a university newspaper, and again when McCain decided a few hours before our layout to perhaps not show up to Friday's debate. The editor appears to have extracted revenge, however, because the online version of the article is significantly shorter than the one I wrote. I'm not going to lie- I am really pissed at my editor right now because a. she cut out half the material and didn't tell me, b. it's not like we don't have the space, evidenced by c. they've run several longer columns than the space this one would have taken in full. Grrr...
Anyway, because this is my blog and I can do what I want here is the entirety of what was supposed to run in The Observer this week. As a disclaimer to anyone who's worried that people actually think I'm serious with my columns (not mentioning names, but you know who you are), I think it's safe to say that by this point I have a reputation. Trust me.
by Yvette Cendes
Any time a candidate says…
- Change- 1 drink
- Expounds on the need for change without any specifics about how said change will work or be implemented- switch from beer to hard liquor, we are going to need it
- “Ready to lead”- 1 drink
- Gun control- 1 shot
- A word that doesn’t exist- 1 drink
- God, or any euphemism for God- 1 four horsemen
- Afghani… you know, it’s been so long that this been mentioned that I’ve forgotten how to spell it- 2 drinks
- Someone speaks Spanish in an effort to court the Hispanic vote- 1 tequila shot
- Terrorist- 1 car bomb
- Ethanol- do I really need to spell it out for you?
- Addresses the audience as “my friends”- 1 drink
- A member of the audience jumps up shouting “shut up McCain! You’re not my friend! It’s not like you call me asking if we can hang out on the weekend or would lend me twenty bucks!”- 2 drinks
- Recommends increasing troop protections by issuing +1 armor- 3 drinks
- Makes a joke about being old and/or references his mother- 1 gin and tonic
- Tries to market himself as a unique maverick in vain hope that people won’t remember he’s from the same party as George W. Bush- 1 drink
- Mentions he was a POW- 1 drink
- The moderator says “wait, you were a POW? I didn’t know that!”- 2 drinks
- Is questioned on how exactly being a POW prepares him to be president- 3 drinks
- Says “folks”- 1 drink
- Mentions Indonesia, Hawaii, or Kenya- 1 drink
- Is referred to as “Osama” by McCain or the moderator- 2 drinks and a kick in the shins
- Tells an anecdote about a middle-class woman who can’t get by- 1 drink
- Says something so socialist that he could be quoting a communist leader- 1 vodka shot
- He is quoting a communist leader- 2 shots
- A communist leader makes a guest appearance- 3 shots
Vice-Presidential Bonus Round! Guys ‘n Gals Edition
- Biden mentions Scranton (and it’s not a reference to The Office)- 1 drink
- “That” SNL skit is mentioned in an attempt to connect with pop culture- 1 drink
- Palin mentions Alaska- 1 drink
- Biden and Palin get into a “small state smackdown” arguing over the merits of Delaware compared to Alaska- 2 drinks
- Palin mentions her extensive executive experience, moose hunting, why abstinence-only education is best, how close she is to Russia, etc- disqualified due to worries of alcohol poisoning
Things we won’t see, but would like to…
- Someone walking onto the stage stroking a white cat- vodka martini, shaken not stirred
- A candidate responding with “you know, I was mistaken on that point. I’m sorry about that.”- time to stop drinking
- A debate resembling a rational, honest discussion of ideas instead of a never-ending slew of catchphrases and attacks that bring us nowhere closer to addressing the serious issues facing our country- put down the drink and start making a fire, hell has frozen over!
Cendes is a fifth year physics major, meaning she is old enough to remember the 2004 Vice-Presidential Debate held at Case. She still has the pictures from sneaking into the debate room with her roommate the day prior, where they pretended to be Cheney and Edwards until Secret Service threats forced them out.