Sunday, April 1, 2007

The Ghost of April Fool's Past- Athenian 2006

Krauss Calls for Vote of No Confidence In God

CLEVELAND, OH– Professor Lawrence Krauss, former figurehead of the Case Western Reserve University Physics Department, has called for a vote of no confidence in the Lord Almighty. “There needs to be a change in direction,” Krauss explained in a statement, “because I believe His lack of communication is inappropriate for a leader.” God has come under prevalent attacks for telling humanity to “have faith” in his actions instead of explaining his planned policies, and for not allowing input from His followers in His decisions. Furthermore, God has come under further fire in the past two millennia in particular for threatening nonbelievers with scare tactics such as eternal damnation.

The move has already been met by sharp criticism by some theologians. “Sure, God is a little on the secretive side, but He does some great things for those who follow Him,” said Eszti Medsource from Very Important University, citing eternal salvation and protection from harm as a few of the incentives. Several others were quick to point out God’s command to “go forth and multiply” as another prime leadership move as it encourages greater numbers in the ranks of the human populace.

Professor Krauss, however, remained unmoved. “Although I am sure God had good intentions in the beginning, His leadership has undeniably faltered in recent years and His choice of assistants has been questionable,” he explained from his office. “Also, many of the decisions throughout His time in power have been questionable at best, such as creating the month of February. And I won’t even begin to wonder what He was thinking when He decided English units would be a good idea…” Krauss was then interrupted by several thunderclaps, an earthquake, and a plague of locusts that began to rain down in his office. He could not be reached for further comment.

The vote, which will take place in the next few weeks, will require a majority of the populace to choose “no confidence” in order to pass. It is uncertain how many eligible voters will show up, however, because of questions regarding the legal aspects of the vote. “I’m pretty sure when we agreed to that Covenant thing we wrote ourselves into a corner,” explained Ms. Faith B. Leaver, citing a written document promising exclusive worship of God in exchange for protection. “By promising the Lord that we would exclusively worship him in exchange for protection, we essentially blackmailed ourselves into a position where participation in such a vote would be very conflicted.”

Further disapproval was heard from the Misdiscovery Institute, a conservative think-tank that promotes Intelligent Falling (the belief that the Theory of Gravity is flawed and instead things are pushed downward by an intelligent force). “Frankly, I’m wondering about that Star Trek guy’s credibility in proposing this,” one spokesman told us. “He has shown the Institute time and time again that he cannot come to grips with how gravity is a theory in crisis because physicists cannot explain how it works. And would you trust the motives of a man who is so closed-minded and unfair that he does not want students to make an informed decision?”

Despite several pilgrimages to Mount Sinai for a statement, the Lord could not be reached for comment. Confidential sources say He is not too worried about the outcome, however, because of its non-binding nature even if the measure comes to pass. Only the Board of Deities presiding over the multiverse would have the ability to rescind Him of His position.